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Anal Pleasure & Health
Filmmaker, writer and multimedia artist Jonah Barrett recently debuted a personal essay, “Anal Pleasure & Health,” at Creative Colloquy in January 2019. Jonah’s essay is authentic, humorous and heartfelt, and for those reasons (and many more), we’re incredibly excited to feature “Anal Pleasure & Health” here at Blue Cactus Press. We’ve also included a video recording of Jonah’s performance at Creative Colloquy below. Go ahead, read your heart out, friends.
Anal Pleasure & Health
by Jonah Barrett
Iโm bad at bottoming. Iโm just horrible at it. Throughout my life Iโve successfully done the deed about four times, with three of those instances involving more than enough alcohol. As a cis gay man, I really should have the act down by now. Itโs the act of preparation that really gets me. Who knew getting ready for fucking had to be such a chore? I wonโt go into the details, but it usually involves planning a few hours in advance and hoping to God youโve eaten at least one piece of fruit in the last 24 hours.
I know weโre approaching the 2020โs and the era of โsex can be whatever you want it to be,โ but I actually would like to bottom more. Itโs just something on my to-do list. People look at me and just assume I bottom: Iโm short and I have this high voice and Iโve got just a hint of The Lisp, so I canโt really hold it against them. It doesnโt help that my boyfriend, Austin, is about a foot taller than me. Really, he should be doing at least half of the fucking. So bottoming, at least for me, is a major goal for this year, internalized homophobia be damned.
Whenever thereโs something I need to learn more about, I buy a book on the subject. I just like to buy books in general. I feel guilty if I walk into a bookstore and get nothing. You canโt walk into an independent bookstore and just loiter like a common villain. And I canโt enter a town and not check out its bookstore. There are things to buy. Capitalism eternal.
One such a town would be Astoria, Oregon. Astoria was actually the first ever permanent settlement established on the Pacific Coast, so says Wikipedia. The Goonies was filmed there, if you care about that. I donโt really, but now you knowโI only just found out after clicking through Wikipedia for a minute. I wanted to check if I could film something at the Captain George Flavel House Museum, but it turns out The Goonies already filmed at the Captain George Flavel House Museum, so whatโs the point? Fuckinโ Goonies. Besides serving as the setting and shooting location of the popular Richard Donner 1985 adventure cult film at the Captain George Flavel House Museum, I would describe Astoria as a strange, scraggly little place layered over with history and barnacles, with a lovely independent bookstore. I forget the name, which doesnโt matter really because Iโll never set foot in there again. I have forever shamed myself in there.
While kickinโ the shit in Astoria one summer I managed to drag both my best friend, Sam, and Austin into the Astorian bookshop. Itโs always been easy with Austin, our relationship started based off our love of books, and he could easily be suckered into buying at least one or two volumes with me. Burning cash was always more fun when you did it with others. You could share the guilt. Sam on the other hand wasnโt so easy. She was cheap as knockoff Sneakers and refused to ever spend a dime on anything unless it was for a pretty girl. Whenever Austin and I dragged her into a bookstore she would sulk until we left. For the record, she was an absolute asshole, we both were. Itโs why weโve been so close. We liked to think this made us quirky and original, but the common theme of general assholery is probably the basis for every best friendship known to humanity.
But what do I know? Maybe some best friends are actually nice to one anotherโthose kind of annoying BFFs you see on Instagram that you wish would trip into the asphalt and knock out all their teeth. Sam and I were not like that. Our companionship had been a series of continual roasts and jabs at one another, attempts to embarrass the other to no end whatsoever. But in a fun way.
In bookstore terms, the shop was literally perfect, if not a bit clichรฉ. Warm lighting, cozy mismatched shelves, a few antisocial bookworms that would leave the aisle if you entered it; all the perfect elements of a bookstore. Typically, Austin would head for the fiction section while I perused fantasy and sci-fi with Sam. But on this day it took me a moment to realize I was on my own in the sci-fi section. Sam was over in the health shelves. I should have known by then she was up to something sneaky as shit.
I couldnโt really find anything in the sci-fi. You can only buy so many Bradbury and Le Guin novels before you think โMaybe I should read some of these before I get any more.โ And I didnโt have the patience at that point in my life to get into another Golden Age author. Isaac Asimov would have to wait a few more years before Iโd be ready to commit. But of course, I had to get something. Something! I was in an indie bookstore in a town by the sea. How was I going to retain these memories without a paper memento to seal the deal? I kept scanning the shelves, in search of literally anything that caught my eye.
โHey.โ I turned around to see Sam walking toward me with a book. My savior. Or so I thought.
You see, Sam know about my bottoming hangups. We knew everything about one another, so it shouldnโt have been a surprise to me when she slinked her way toward me with a little blue book from the health section, this shit-eating grin on her face as if to say: โThisโll be funny.โ
She put it in my hands. โI found this for you and Austin.โ
Anal Pleasure and Health.
โYou absolute motherfucker,โ I said.
She snickered. โI just want to help you guys in the bedroom.โ
โWe donโt need help in the bedroom, weโre fine.โ
โYou need to learn how to put stuff up there. Itโs time.โ
I flipped through the book, glimpsing chapters with titles like: โInside the Anus,โ โDiscovering the Rectum,โ and โOpening a Dialogue.โ On the back was a picture of the man who had written the bookโa balding guy with a Ph.D. and a face just a little too small for his head, with a dimpled smirk that seemed to convey: โI know what I did.โ
โYikes. He really looks like the kinda guy whoโd write this,โ Sam said. โโฆI dare you to get it.โ
I looked over at the cashier, this nice-looking man who was flipping through a book on sailing. He seemed kind, pure. Like someone who liked sex but didnโt enjoy talking about it in the openโmuch like Austin, actually. I looked down at the book, thinking about how this might actually help me out. Techniques! Tips! Discovering the rectum! All the golden tidbits Iโd need to know how to truly bottom right in my hands. Samโs smirk dropped.
โWait, you donโt really need toโโ
I turned toward the counter. Fuck Sam. Fuck Sam and her stupid dares. I was gonna do this for me and myself. And I guess Austin too.
Itโs not like this was the 80โs and this was my one and only chance to learn the secrets of bottoming. We all have the internet. We all watch porn and take Buzzfeed quizzes on what sexual positions we are. But there was something about having the book in my hand, a physical volume of something that was once so taboo, that I wanted to chance it. My old habits kicked in. If I read all up on the subject, maybe Iโd be good at it. Austin would be so impressed and think I was so culturedโa real manโs man: powerbottom extraordinaire. My face reddened at the idea. I quickly scanned the fantasy and sci-fi shelf and grabbed a random Bradbury to cover the butt book up.
I think this also taps into the fact that there arenโt a lot of basic resources out there for gay kids like myself. We never had even heterosexual sex education in school, but abstinence classes instead, which really stuck with me at age seventeen when I sucked my first dick. Something kicked in at that moment in the bookstore, this desperate grab at knowledge that I had felt like Iโd never had access to (besides Buzzfeed).
I made it to the counter. The nice man perked up and smiled at me, this warm gentle not-shit-eating grin that I will never forget. Something about those kind, innocent eyes. The button up shirt underneath the argyle sweater. He probably owned a cat and named it Sophocles. Too pure for this world.
โAll finished?โ he asked.
I swallowed. โYes.โ
He picked up the two books, his eyes lighting up when he saw the first one, the sci-fi novel. The butt book lay there to the side unnoticed, seeping in filth.
โRay Bradbury!โ he said. He looked up at me, warmly. โI grew up on Ray Bradbury. I think his work is timeless.โ
I wanted to die right then and there, but of course, capitalism must be performed with a smile. โYessiree,โ I said. โHe sure is the master of science fiction.โ
โI just think heโs the best. I remember reading Dandelion Wine one summer growing up and how much that impacted me. He really captured the essence of childhoodโฆโ he kept on like this for what felt like minutes. I forget what he actually said; it was too wholesome for memory. We bonded back and forth about the Golden Age author, talking about how Bradbury had influenced us as writers and how wonderful of a man he must have been. It was all very pure. For a moment I actually forgot that I was buying the butt book. Such bliss canโt last forever. The manโs eyes shifted behind me, and I followed his line of sight to see Sam recording us with her phone.
โWhat are you doing?!โ I asked.
Snickered again. โNothing.โ
The cashier gave her a puzzled look but smiled back at me. His last milliseconds of innocence. Then he picked up the other book.
โOh.โ
Our short-lived relationship was shattered in an instant. Nothing could repair what irrevocable damage had been done. Iโm sure youโve all had moments where one second feels like a year. It feels like the situation youโre in canโt actually be happening, so you disassociate and believe itโs not you thatโs living this life, itโs someone else. Youโre just watching it through a set of borrowed eyes, like a television. Itโs not your body thatโs turning pure red and all sweaty in the bookstore. Itโs some other suckerโs. Someone who has made a horrible and embarrassing decision.
Snicker snicker snicker behind me. I could hear Sam trying not to burst out laughing. The man looked back as well, and it suddenly dawned on him why this was being recorded. My heart broke a little bitโฆ but I also wanted to laugh. I wanted to slap Sam. Maybe throw her phone to the ground and assure the man: โItโs not a prank. No, really. Itโs not. I actually do want to put things up there. Iโm serious!โ
The manโthe poor delicate man who did not deserve any of thisโput the books in a paper bag without me asking, his final noble deed of our interaction.
โHave a good day,โ I said.
He nodded, not looking at me. I left in shame.
We exited the store in a hurry, forgetting we had left Austin in the fiction section. The two of us rounded the corner and burst out laughingโbecause what else was there to do? I was fucking horrified at Sam for doing that, but I also loved her for it. We watched the video and giggled together like evil school girls. Assholes in cahoots. What happened could never be undone, and I looked back at the store a little sad. There would be more bookstores, but never again this one by the sea.
Austin came out, confused. โWhere did you guys go?โ
โLOOK WHAT JONAH GOT!โ
Austinโs face reddened, a scandalized look passing through his kind, innocent eyes.
I havenโt read Anal Pleasure and Health; itโs still on my bookshelf. I just took it off right now and blew off a layer of dust. I donโt know if Iโll ever truly read it. But sometimes books can also act as mementos, and not just sources of knowledge. Maybe this wasnโt such a big deal and we were overreacting. That man did the best with what he was given: two shitty best friends who canโt be adults about anything. I really did buy that book to become a better bottom, but like every thing I purchase: it evades me. Bottoming is this highly personal thing that I probably shouldnโt have written about, but itโs too late to turn back now. And no matter how old you are, it is never, ever too late to begin your own discovery of the rectum.
About the Author

Jonah Barrett is a filmmaker, writer, and multimedia artist. His writing can be found in Creative Colloquy, Everyday Genius, Lit.Cat, OlyArts, and the bestselling Portland anthology City of Weird. Jonah has also directed and written two feature films, a dozen-ish short films, and three web series. He has worked as both a literary magazine and anthology editor, as well as journalist, assistant director, script supervisor, and art conservator. His favorite genres are creature features and romantic comedies, and he has found they are pretty much the same.
You can find Jonah’s films online on his YouTube channel, LazyEyesInc, or visit his website, Malicious Wallydrags, to peruse his portfolio and blog.
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[…] is below), and we’re *incredibly* excited announce that we’re featuring “Anal Pleasure & Health” online here at Blue Cactus […]
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